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mirror feng shui do’s and don’ts
1. do — hang a mirror opposite something you love. being able to view it from more angles will normalise it and weaken its power over you.
2. don’t — hang a mirror opposite an east or west facing window. the glare at sunrise or sunset may hide an adversary making their entrance.
3. do — hang mirrors opposite each other. you are lost in the infinite regardless, darling, you may as well use it to open up the living room.
4. don’t — put mirrors on your roof. you are thinking of a solar panel, not a mirror. check your return policy.
5. do — use ceiling mirrors to make your guests feel insignificant and poor. this way, you do not have to actually befriend the insignificant and poor.
6. don’t — use streak-free glass cleaner on your mirrors. you will get streaks regardless and deprive yourself of the ability to blame the cleaning fluid.
7. do — place mirrors wherever you are most likely to be critical of yourself. common locations include the bathroom, bedroom, and inside your fridge.
8. don’t — question why mirrors reverse left and right, but not up and down. they do reverse up and down, there is just something wrong with you.
9. do — use a mirror to practice your public speaking for work presentations. this can save you countless hours of relaxation.
10. don’t — use mirrors of any geometry other than ‘flat’. a mirror must be totally accurate so that we may more convincingly lie to ourselves.
11. do — place post-it note affirmations on your mirror to cheer yourself up. several small, yellow squares can overpower a much larger silver one.
12. don’t — brush your teeth in the mirror. you can’t do anything ‘in’ the mirror. it is a solid object and will not let you in. please just stand next to it.
13. do — use mirrors to transfer colour into the home. a glance of the orange bougainvilleas outside can reinvigorate a sterile laundry.
14. don’t — recite “mirror, mirror, on the wall” and expect a response. how would you like to be greeted with “human, human, on the floor”, hmm?
15. do — mirror the body language of your friends. this builds trust and rapport by convincing them that you are a ubiquitous household object.
16. don’t — waste an opportunity to look deeply into your own eyes and recall every moral failure you’ve ever had. your self-loathing powers the economy.
17. do — keep a running countdown on your phone until you next see your mirror. this will give you time to reflect.