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HEY, READER !

YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, YOU.
YOOOO-HOOOO, OK LOOKIT

THIS THING’S GOTTEN A LITTLE—WELL, A LOTTA—OUTTA HAND HERE AT SCRAPBOOK AND SALES, GAWD, SALES NOT LOOKING LIKE YOUR BOY’S GONNA HAVE A JOB NEXT MONTH

SO WE’RE DOING A LITTLE, awh fuck is this— . . .

Okay, is that better? Jeeez, sorry about that, these fucking switches and toggles I’m not used to ‘em. Am I still too loud?

How’s that? Hello? Look man I just realised I can’t even hear ya, I mean I can see you typing but nothing’s coming outta the diction machine, we are working with the WORST user interface over here I’ll show you if yah ever come to tha studio but I don’t have much time

We’re doing a little reader poll to try to understand our target market better, what you want n stuff so we can get a little razzzamatazz back into the prose. People are sayin it’s gone flat and management’s wondrin if we’ve lost our mojo which is corpo code for you’re fuckin FIRED if you dont three-sixty that shit. Couldja help us out? I gotta script and everything you dont gotta be a focus group, we’ll just rattle through the q’s. Okay? cool, G, aight oneee. . .

Aight QUESTION ONE comin in hot!!

… man, what? one mo’-

Jimmy is it just me or is that a fuckin’ weird question to ask our readers? A single day or LONGER? like… if this is some weird a/b test shit from Marketin then alright but I don’t see… yeah, ok. Not our problem. Well I mean it is our problem even if it’s their script because if you n I get the can… mm. Ok.

Hey sorry dude, I’m back! Or dudette. Can’t really see ya that good either! Yeah I was just discussing somethin with one of our writers Jimmy, haa, alrighty lemme just check… yep I gotcho answer! i think. Muuch obliged

Next q iiiiis…. should be comin up for you now…

. . . yeah, man, I dunno. Who gave this shit to you? *Mia*?? You let that bitch write our script? Oh, fuck, Jimmy, you don’t know?

AY, DUDE, give us a sec here. Your answers are great!! Just a tick

Jimmy, Mia fuckin’ wants us gone. I mean the whole department. She went angling for lead editor a while back and when she didn’t get it, I dont know its like the fuckin’ wrath of Zeus got put in her, hasn’t let the grudge go n she’s all like well if I cant have it then I’ll destroy it. . . yeah, xactly. Who you think’s been bringing up the sales data every standup? It’s Mia, right? Like you dont have to break it down by product line but its her dashboard that all the charts come from, yeah, Yeah, she deliberately broke it out to show our results first & foremost and get Steph’s eye on them. And *Mia* wrote this? Wants it back? Fuck, Jimmy. How many responses she want? .. come the fuck on. What! She gave us two… yeah, ok.

MY DUDE I am so so sorry Jimmy’s got like a family emergency and shit and like I said things are just CRAZE over here, you lookin pretty wild yourself haha! OK playa I’m just gonna give you qs 3 to 5 all inna row now, heree theyyy…

Ok Jimmy here’s what we’re gonna do. Can you open up an email and To: it to Steph, but we’ll CC the whole sales team like a good faith PSA sorta thing

And we’re gonna say that our respondents arent vibing the survey like at all. Its wigging them out. Yeah. Yeah thats what Im thinkin, this way Steph will put eyes on it and

I mean the risk is that Mia sez she shouldnt have trusted us with the survey in the 1st place, not our skillset and we’re biased and stuff, so then maybe Steph puts it back in her hands and this goes even worse. But what else are we meant to-

woah didn’t this thing stop at 5? … yeah look it stops at 5, there another page? Jimmy if there’s no other page and we didn’t type that then how did-

AYY man we really appreciatecha, can you just give us a nod if you’re getting those extra qs there? Like 7 and stuff? Okay okay good that’s good, let me ju

Okay okay good that’s good, let me just tweak something on my end

Jimmy did we just echo? you hear that? it’s like theres a feedback loop goi-

good that’s good, let me just tweak something on my end Jimmy did we just echo

—this is fucking outta control Jimmy we have to shut it—

on my end Jimmy did we just echo? you hear that? okay good thats Jimmy good did letwemejusttweakechosomethingyouonhear

—JIMMY HIT THE ‘MERGENCY ‘CAST, THAT BIG YELLOW—

𝙃𝙀𝙔 𝙄𝙁 𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝘾𝘼𝙉 𝙃𝙀𝘼𝙍 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎 𝙄 𝘼𝙈 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝙇𝙇𝙔 𝙎𝙊𝙍𝙍𝙔 𝘼𝘽𝙊𝙐𝙏 𝙒𝙃𝘼𝙏𝙀𝙑𝙀𝙍'𝙎 𝙂𝙊𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙊𝙉. 𝙒𝙀 𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙊𝘽𝙑𝙄𝙊𝙐𝙎𝙇𝙔 𝙀𝙓𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙀𝙉𝘾𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙎𝙊𝙈𝙀 𝙏𝙀𝘾𝙃𝙉𝙄𝘾𝘼𝙇 𝘿𝙄𝙁𝙁𝙄𝘾𝙐𝙇𝙏𝙄𝙀𝙎 𝘽𝙐𝙏 𝙔𝙊𝙐𝙍 𝙍𝙀𝙎𝙋𝙊𝙉𝙎𝙀𝙎 𝘼𝙍𝙀 𝙑𝙀𝙍𝙔 𝙑𝘼𝙇𝙐𝘼𝘽𝙇𝙀 𝙏𝙊 𝙐𝙎 𝘼𝙉𝘿

𝙔𝙀𝘼𝙃 𝙔𝙊𝙐'𝙍𝙀 𝘼 𝘾𝙃𝙀𝙍𝙄𝙎𝙃𝙀𝘿 𝙍𝙀𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙍 𝙊𝙁 𝙎𝘾𝙍𝘼𝙋𝘽𝙊𝙊𝙆 𝘼𝙉𝘿 𝘼𝙇𝙇 𝙏𝙃𝘼𝙏, 𝙊𝙆 𝙅𝙄𝙈𝙈𝙔 𝘾𝙐𝙏 𝙄𝙏―